Returning From an (Unexpected) Hiatus
So….it’s been a minute.
My last post was December 31. I had every intention of keeping up with these monthly “diary” entries. But life got very busy and for the past several months I struggled to balance all of my responsibilities. And to be quite honest and vulnerable here, I didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to focus on any of my writing projects.
Since the start of this year, I have had many false starts when it comes to my many projects and works in progress. I started two or three short stories, only to leave them unfinished on my Google Drive. I checked out library books on the history of chemistry for research for a fantasy novel. Then a few weeks later I lost interest in that particular project and shelved it. In April, I attempted to participate in the first Camp NaNoWriMo session. But by week two I fell behind and again quietly shelved that project.
Skimming through my previous post, it is clear that the low energy I experienced much of last year followed me into 2023. Once again I am forced to confront my inability to manage my own expectations or set realistic goals for myself. I had grand plans for this year. I wanted to breath new life into my writing career. I dreamed big and wholeheartedly believed I would achieve everything I set out to accomplish.
But maybe I bit off more than I could chew? Drafting a novel in a year is hard work. Compiling a short story collection in a year is equally difficult. Aiming to do both in a year with the intention of querying in late 2023 or early 2024? And doing that while balancing a full-time job, part-time graduate program and a social life?? Come on past Britt! Let’s be serious for a minute!
Can you tell I’m a former ‘gifted kid’? And/or the oldest child?
There’s nothing wrong with setting high goals or releasing your dreams from the artificial limitations society sets for you. The world is HUGE and STRANGE! I firmly believe we can all afford to have grand dreams and limitless imaginations.
Before I entered my MFA program, I didn’t think I would ever publish a story. Yet I have published five short stories and received encouraging feedback from publishers/editors even if they ultimately rejected my story. I was so close to being published in a YA anthology, something I never imagined for myself. Drafting and revising a novel is tough, but I’m certain I’ll one day see my book in stores and on people’s bookshelves.
By all means, dream and dream BIG! Don’t let other people dictate the trajectory of your life for you.
BUT…. let us be reasonable when setting our timelines and let’s embrace that sometimes our dreams take time to come to fruition. (I’m speaking mostly to myself here. Though I’m sure this may resonate with others.) Let’s practice self-compassion and be open to tweaks to our dreams if need be.
I’m going to take my own advice here: It’s not impossible to draft both a fantasy novel and a speculative fiction story collection by the end of this year. But given my other responsibilities, it’s unreasonable and unfair to me. Even asking for a complete novel draft by December is a tall order. (Next month maybe I’ll talk about my relationship to timed goals and how that’s a restraint instead of a motivator)
I’m a slow writer. I let ideas percolate for months before I start brainstorming. My drafting process can last for two or three months (sometimes even longer). I always take a break between drafting and revising so my brain can rest. I started working on my novella in 2021 (or possibly late 2020) and submitted it for the first time in October 2022. (Even then, I wished I had another two or three months to work on it) I’ve embraced my slow writing process! I don’t have to churn out stories that don’t meet my standards if I don’t want to.
With all this in mind, I believe I should rethink my goals for 2023. And I think I only have two I want to pursue:
Draft a novel: Okay, hear me out. Yes, I did just write “But maybe I bit off more than I could chew? Drafting a novel in a year is hard work.” That’s a fact. Drafting a novel (or any story) is hard work! And I am doing this with the intention of pursing publication one day. But I’m dropping the time limit. It’s too much pressure! I want to draft this novel because I love writing and I want a healthy relationship with my projects. Whether I noticed it or not, my goals were influenced by capitalism. I wanted to make money and prove to the naysayers that writing is a valuable career. I was focused on commodifying and (possibly) exploiting my interest in writing for the sake of making a buck or two. That’s not the relationship I want to have with writing. Yes, I need money to survive. Yes, our current system is a dangerous, soul-sucking parasite and I want something better for us all. But I don’t have to let it dictate how I structure my writing life or my overall writing journey. I will draft my fantasy novel and let it live in my mind (and on my computer) however it wants.
Have fun with writing: I recently listened to episode 408 of the podcast ‘Creative Pep Talk.’ Near the end the host said “You can pick one word that has a particular psychic energy and charge that is compelling you and inspiring you…Just write down one word and use your creative medium to explore that from all these different angles.” (The entire episode is worth listening to! Go check it out!) I listened to this as I drove to North Carolina and my one word hit me almost immediately: fun. I miss having fun when I write. Sometimes, writers get so bogged down in the difficulty of our craft and the state of the industry, we lose sight of why we first started. (Not to diminish either of these concerns. Especially the state of traditional publishing.) For me, I love infusing my stories with my personality and experiences. My stories are almost always deeply personal and contain bits of my own interests. Example: With Love, From Waystation#4 started because I wanted to write about Donna Summer/disco music, arcades and falling in love in outer space. My latest project may or may not feature an academic main character because I’m a nerd who loves research, libraries, museums and archives. I started world-building and developing lore for my fantasy novel and so far I am enjoying the process, even if most of what I create won’t appear in a draft. For the remainder of this year, I want to explore fun, what it means to have fun at all stages of writing and how that carries over into my stories.
Last, this isn’t a goal but rather an ideal I want to incorporate into my life. In many ways I am a carefree individual. I try not to worry over situations out of my control and I accept that I can’t manage everything in the world. But in other ways I’m a deeply anxious person. I constantly fear I am making small mistakes that will irrevocably damage my life. I wrestle with feeling stuck or feeling as if behind my peers. I’m in my 30s and in many ways I feel inadequately equipped to navigate life. Capitalism breeds a gross relationship to consumption, material possession and competition. And this impacts my writing.
I should learn to embrace quiet and stillness. To not make assumptions about my future or compare myself to others. There’s still room to reflect and divorce myself from toxic ideas about productivity, self-worth and making meaning out of life. From January through April of this year, I mentally beat myself up because of how little progress I made with my writing goals. Now that I’m creating again, I am realizing how those inner fights did nothing but discourage me and shut off any creative energy that wanted/needed to be released. I can’t say a switch has been flipped and I will magically be kinder to myself every hour of every day. But I can say that I’m making small steps. That’s powerful because I decide which steps I can take and when I get move. I can have a healthier relationship to writing and create my goofy little queer stories without withering criticism.
And I can always adjust if I need to and apply less pressure to my life.
If any of this resonated with you, take care of yourself. Even if nothing resonated with you, take care. We do not have to tie our self worth or identity to our level of productivity. Sometimes it is just enough that we’re having fun and enjoying pieces or the whole of our life!
Happy writing, creating and/or resting!
